The definition of qualm ; an uneasy feeling of doubt, worry or fear, especially about one’s own conduct. That is the mantra of parenthood; once you bring your new-born into the world, your world becomes a minefield of qualms. Am I feeding them enough? Letting them cry too much? Or not enough? The list of worries and concerns is endless and you are at a loss, after all there is no instruction book! Before you have kids you will no doubt be thinking to yourself, you’ve got this covered. After all, how hard can it really be? If you are contemplating having kids, please take the following test to see if you are ready.
Mess Test: Smear peanut butter or any other sticky, gooey substance over your couch and the curtains. put a piece of fish behind the couch and leave it there all Summer.
Toy Test: Have a friend spread a 55 gallon drum of Lego pieces across the floor ( if you don’t have any you can substitute thumb tacks.) put a blindfold on and try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen without screaming ( this will wake sleeping child)
Supermarket Test: Borrow one or two small animals ( goats are best) and take them shopping with you. Always keep them in sight, and pay for everything they eat or damage.
Dressing Test: obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus ( they turn bright red when unhappy) and stuff into a small net bag, making sure all arms stay inside.
Feeding Test: Obtain a large plastic milk jug and fill halfway with water. Suspend from the ceiling on a rope. Start jug swinging and try to place a spoonful of soggy cereal into the mouth of the jug, while pretending to be an aeroplane. Now dump contents of the jug on to the floor.
Night Test: Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with sand. Soak thoroughly in water. At 8pm, begin to waltz and sing with the bag until 9pm. Lay down your bag and set alarm for 10 pm . Pick up your bag and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up a dozen more and sing these until 4 am. Set alarm for 5am. Get up and make breakfast.Keep this up for five years. Look cheerful.
Physical Test: Obtain a large beanbag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for nine months. Now remove 10 of the beans.
Final Assessment : Find a couple who already have a small child. Lecture them on how they can improve their discipline, patience,tolerance, toilet training and child’s table manners. Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasise to them that they should never allow their children to run wild. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time that you have all the answers!
If you aced this test, and are prepared to go without sleep for the next five years, then you are ready to become a parent.